How Big a Deal is Friendship?

Friendship is vital to my very survival.

In no way does this minimize the importance of family ... but all of my family is well over 300 miles away in numerous directions.  Friendship is a big deal to me. 

(For the record, I am beginning this blog on a Friday night.  <sigh>  Though I have a lot of friends, most of them are with their spouses or better you-know-who's tonight.  I'm at home with my dog.  My daughter called, though!  I really wish I was out doing something fun ... but, alas, here I am.  I'm trying to be content with my current circumstances.  Ugh.)

I have a couple initial thoughts about friendship -- before any research or definitions or contemplation.  The best of friends often happen upon each other in an unplanned and wonderful way.  Friendship is a gift.  Ideally, it should bring you joy -- be natural -- "easy."  This doesn't mean that we don't have to attend to our friendships ... I just mean that it shouldn't be arduous.  I also believe that some friendships are for a season, of which I have written before.  I think that friendships round-out our emotional lives.  We can't only be in relationship with our families -- so friends fill-in the gaps -- become in-laws -- round-out our communities, including work and school and recreation.  It is also important to remember that there are so many different types of friends.  Some friends are more like aquaintances.  Most often, I think, friendships are formed due to mutual interests or similar personalities.  Some friends are inserted into your life -- like fellow Saints in your church -- or neighbors.  Some are schoolmates from childhood that have hung-in there with you.  Some are sister'y (or brother'y) friends from young adulthood and entries into parenthood.  Some are from the workplace or friends of friends.  Some friends become spouses or lovers and, yes, our family members can also be friends.  They all serve a different kind of purpose and fill a different kind of need.  Friendship is a myriad of all sorts of relationships in our lives and it is too complex to simmer-down to a simple expression or definition.  This is turning out to be a more complicated blog than I had anticipated. 

Defining friendship or friend is interesting -- broad and rich. 

friend·ship (noun)  1. the state of being a friend; association as friends; 2. a friendly relation or intimacy; 3. friendly feeling or disposition.

Clearly, one needs to understand what a friend is to glean anything from this!  However, additional reference is helpful in the form of a (synonym)  1. harmony, accord, understanding, rapport.  So ...

friend //(noun)  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; 2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter; 3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile; 4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.; 5. ( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker; 6. a person associated with another as a contact on a social-networking web site.  (verb) 7. to befriend.; 8. to add (a person) to one's list of contacts on a social-networking Web site.  (synonym)  1. comrade, chum, crony, confidant; 2. backer, advocate. 3. ally, associate, confrere, compatriot.  (antonym)   enemy, foe.

I'm a little addicted to the music of Andrew Bird.  I can't explain his music -- or his lyrics -- in a few words.  Suffice it to say that his music is entirely unique and his lyrics are strange.  Not unlike Shakespeare, he makes up words as necessary --  to sound pleasant, rhyme or just sort of mean something more in a less definable way -- in any given song.  Trying to figure those lyrics out -- or trying to make sense of them -- is often an exercise in futility.  However, one of his songs, Tables and Chairs, has some honest words about friendship: 

If we can call them friends we can call them on red telephones
and they won't pretend that they're too busy or they're not alone
if we can call them friends we can call
holler at 'em down these hallowed halls
just don't let the human factor fail to be a factor at all

Do you have a friend or friends that you know will always answer the phone when you call?  To whom you aren't a nuisance or an interruption?  I hope so.  I bet you have a few friends that you aren't so sure about, too.  For whom do you answer that phone?  Friendship is varied, but we all need at least one red telephone friend!  (David was my red telephone friend and I was his.  He was the person who put me above everyone else with his affection, regard, support -- love.  Now I am nobody's most important person.  Although several lovelies have told me that I'm right up there, I know that there is no guarantee that the red phone will be answered when I call.)  This human factor is sort of a continuation of my thoughts on love, but not so readily apparent. 

A quick search on "human factor" yielded some strange stuff!  I happened upon a "definition" from the "urban dictionary" that was new to me:  human factors engineering -- the process and effects of intentionally playing on a person's attributes to achieve a goal, either directly or indirectly.  Huh??  I'm a little stunned that the word "engineering" is a part of this.  One of my other first searches yielded:  human factors -- The study of human interaction with technology/machines.  I further investigated that avenue and found a basic explanation:  Human Factors is a discipline of study that deals with human-machine interface. Human Factors deals with the psychological, social, physical, biological and safety characteristics of a user and the system the user is in.  It is sometimes used synonymously with ergonomics.  Yawn.  This doesn't apply to a discussion on friendship.  And it is nowhere near what I thought it meant, but it is definitely possible that Andrew Bird had just that in mind.  He's that strange -- and cerebral ... but I don't really think so.

I thought I'd look again ... and stumbled upon an obscure website called "International Institute for Human Factor Development."  Their definition is a possible basis for that whole song.

Defining the Human Factor - The Human factor is the spectrum of personality characteristics and the other dimensions of human performance that enable social, economic and political institutions to function and remain functional over time. Such dimensions sustain the workings and application of the rule of law, political harmony, disciplined labor force, just legal systems, respect for human dignity and the sanctity of life, and social welfare, and so on. As is often the case, no social, economic or political institutions can function effectively without being upheld by a network of committed persons who stand firmly by them. Such persons must strongly believe in and continually affirm the ideals of society.

I think that FRIENDSHIP is what continually affirms the ideals of society!  Think about it.  To be in association with someone/anyone who may be one of the following:  someone to whom a person is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard – or one who gives assistance – a supporter.  Someone who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile (not a foe!) -- living in harmony with good rapport, respect and well-being.  Maybe a member of the same nation, party or society.  A comrade, confidant, advocate, ally, associate, confrere, compatriot.  WOW.  I wonder how more peacefully we might co-exist if we could establish these kinds of relationships with everyone! 

But, starting more locally – more intimately, how about just our personal circles.  These definitions don’t mention love, but if we toss that in -- brotherly love, unconditional love and even romantic love -- a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection — the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.  As well as, compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans -- and patience, kindness, lack of envy, boasting or pride – honoring others – not greedy or easily angered or holding grudges (FORGIVENESS), delighting in truth rather than evil – and protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering.  That’s the kind of friendship that is a big deal – is important – can make a difference.  It is intentional.  How do you accomplish it?

LOVE IN ACTION. 

I think the ideal friendship is one which includes a personal presence -- being in relationship with another in close, physical proximity:  Getting together.  It is difficult to show affection without being able to touch.  It is challenging to show true understanding without being able to see each others' expressions.  It's affirming to be able to see, touch and smell that this person with whom you have a certain rapport is happy and well.  And this takes a certain level of disciple -- the attending to a friendship -- the getting together.  It's like working out.  You have to value it and you have to MAKE TIME in your life to do it.  If you have a lot of friends, it can mean a little juggling, but friendship is a big deal.  Our lives are less vibrant -- less meaningful -- without it.

You certainly can maintain friendships over long distances.  Email, text messaging, facebook, snapchats and red telephones are really great tools in helping us to take care of those friendships.  Sometimes, they can be more rewarding than our day to day friendships because they require more intentionality -- action fed by emotional energy (love).  Some of my long distance friendships are my most precious and enduring ones.  Go figure.  (You have to really want or need to stay friends to make this happen.)

My return from exile would not be possible without my beloved friends.  I want to take this opportunity to thank each of you who has placed my soul, my heart, my mind, my gifts -- my entire being -- on your "short list" -- through your love in action -- with your hand on the red phone.  You know who you are.