Am I out of stories to tell?

A beloved has commented that I am doing less storytelling and more exploring of forces and values and loves in my life right now and wondered why the change.  I really had to stop and ponder the question.  I have already acknowledged feedback that "exile" is more dark than "uncleaving."  But why? 

To be  honest, many of the "stories" I could tell would be a bit damning to the main characters.  No true protagonists would explode onto the scene(s).  And that is really very sad.  I'm in a stage where the people in my life are either grossly disappointing or simply solid.  Disappointing can provide interesting tales! but I'm not ready to expose such shenanigans.  Maybe in the near/later future -- when their identities can be less obvious.  But for now I'm stuck with tales of not-so-dubious circumstances ... and those can fare less intriguing, right?  Everyone loves a good dirty laundry tale, though we shouldn't. ... "Identities have been changed to protect the ... GUILTY."  <snort>

So, in the interim, of what do I write?  Hmmm.  I'm doing laundry.  Whatever.  My house is dirty.  Yeh, what else is new?  I may have ten souls descending upon me for Thanksgiving and I should be panicking!!  Now that's a story, right?  Let's count beds ...

Once again I'm spending the evening with Allie, my faithful dog who swears she is in charge.  She sure is persevering sometimes -- standing at the edge of the kitchen (not allowed IN the kitchen) wagging her tail, ears perked, softly whimpering for a dog treat.  I'm trying to get her to stop that because it drives me nuts.  Begging is bad behavior.  I blame this on my kids who continue to feed her from the table against my wishes!  I hate a begging dog.  Sadly, though, she usually wears me down, not unlike the Persistent Widow of Jesus' parable wearing down the mean old king.  Keep praying keep praying keep praying -- translated to dog-speak:  keep whimpering keep begging keep wagging ... Who am I not to love my dog as God loves me?  So she gets the bone and the behavior is reinforced.  God, throw ME a bone, won't you please?!  Whatever.  Daughter, I already told this story!  http://reluctantlyuncleaving.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-true-alpha-female.html
 
But what I haven't written about is poor Allie's sensitivity.  A couple years ago, she began to have some real issues with her skin.  Her ears drove her crazy and had become course and stiff from some infection or something.  The skin on her belly started to turn black.  Her neck had become raw and the fur under her collar had fallen out, leaving her skin inflamed.  She was an itchy mess of a dog!  I was very distracted at that time with the business of death -- of keeping my kids afloat -- of making it through each day.  When I finally truly recognized Allie's discomfort, it was pretty advanced.  Guilty doesn't cover how badly I felt ... but human vs. dog ... humans took priority. 

The vet was able to give her a good steroid shot (the "silver bullet") for the itching -- and $50+ dollars' worth of ear ointment.  Add to that, a $30 bottle of antibiotic shampoo, the office visit and the regular exorbitant flea and heartworm meds ... I was paying more for my dog's healthcare than I had for David's!  (I'm freaking serious.)  Our vet was great -- very down-to-earth and understanding about my life situation/financial limitations, etc. and asked me if Allie and David were close.  She said it could be an emotional response to his death.  I had never considered that!
 

Hm.  Allie and David had a sort of Machiavellian kind of relationship.  I simply mean "cunning" here ... with a touch of self-servitude.  David was a snacker.  Allie is a snacker.  He wasn't really a dog person.  She isn't really a people dog (she won't fetch or play ... but does like to be the center of attention ...)  David and Allie had a relationship based on him doling out high-class snacks (almonds, cashews, pretzels, potato skins, combos ... anything in a crackle'y bag) and her continuously wagging her tail, perking her ears and giving him the loving eye in return.  When I was at work and the kids were at school, these two were constant companions -- especially during that last year of his life when he wasn't travelling as much.  They had a truly symbiotic relationship:  symbiosis (noun pl. sym-bi-o-ses) - 1. Biology - A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but does not necessarily, benefit each member; 2. A relationship of mutual benefit or dependence.

Yep.

But I thought there was more to it.  When David was in the Hospice House, I decided to take Allie to visit him.  I thought that he would respond positively to her and she would respond positively to him.  That wasn't the case!  He barely acknowledged her presence; she didn't even look at him.  It was almost as if the two of them already had an understanding:  It's over.  Move on.  I was stunned and perplexed.  Allie didn't make a return visit and David never asked about her at all. 

But after he died, her skin changed.  Why didn't I notice the possible connection?  I know full well that Allie is an emotional dog.  She can be quite vindictive when she decides that she's alone too much -- aka, neglected.  When the kids are at college and it's just me and I'm at work, or out shopping, or out at a rehearsal, or out with friends -- she's here all alone.  No crinkle'y crackle'y snack bag, no hand feeding her high-class snacks, no hand patting her head or voice speaking her name.  And no man of the house.  Allie is very female-oriented (I've always been the "boss") but David was her companion and he was gone.  Gone for good.

Everybody thinks the RBD is a "sweet dog."  And most of the time, she is.  But when she wants to be a meanie, she is a meanie.  Over the last year when I have spent too many hours away from the house or, God forbid, a night or two! I come home to her having clawed-down the blankets and pillows from all the chairs and sofas.  ????  In the sitting room, the family room, my bedroom -- all game.  I travelled up to the college this past weekend to see my kids.  I figured I would prevent all the dragging-down of stuff by putting guitars on sofas and boxes on chairs. That worked!  She was stymied!  So, instead, she clawed-down two heirloom quilts from a quilt rack in my upstairs hallway.  That made me pretty angry.

Anyone who says that dogs aren't vindictive don't have an Allie.  She punishes me for every moment she spends alone.  She actually does relax over the summer when there are more souls at home, but right now, she's miserable and quite intent on making me the same.  Some of you may be thinking, "Gee ... a couple pillows ... blankets ... some dog hair. What's the big deal?!"  I know.  It sounds petty.  But it's bigger than that.  It's the punishment that she is imposing on me when all I'm doing is trying to live this life I have -- to be a good mother -- a good friend -- a formidable church lady, etc.  I don't need to come home to judgment that I'm a bad dog mistress -- or whatever.  In the end, I didn't ever want a dog!  So I get a little bitter.  I know you dog lovers are mad at me now.  But I'm not getting that promised unconditional love from my dog.  I'm being punished -- over and over -- day after day.  It's terrible.

But she's my only companion in this moment.  She knows I'm mad at her, so she's not even begging for a treat.  She went upstairs, defeated.  We will make-up -- maybe tomorrow -- maybe the next day.  We have no choice but to be each other's symbiotic partner now.  We weren't made to be that for each other -- we were made to vie for the alpha position.  Sorry, old girl -- but it will always be me.  Still, she is VERY cute and very sweet, aside from the misbehaving and I do love her.  Good grief.  I need to get out more.

Two days later ... I came home from a 13 hour day at the church and just loved on Allie.  She moaned with relief at being forgiven -- for she had not been destructive in my absence.  She came when I called and was forgiving, too.  Everything is back in balance for now.  Oh how peace ebbs and flows ... Right now peace as I bake sweet potato soufflé, green bean casserole and pumpkin pies ahead of a busy Thanksgiving holiday where souls will come together in joy and love.  Allie will be right in the midst of it all, begging for some turkey meat.  <sigh> 

But when everyone goes home or back to college, it will just be the two of us again.  And she'll be right down here in the pit alongside me.  It's good to have company.

How Big a Deal is Friendship?

Friendship is vital to my very survival.

In no way does this minimize the importance of family ... but all of my family is well over 300 miles away in numerous directions.  Friendship is a big deal to me. 

(For the record, I am beginning this blog on a Friday night.  <sigh>  Though I have a lot of friends, most of them are with their spouses or better you-know-who's tonight.  I'm at home with my dog.  My daughter called, though!  I really wish I was out doing something fun ... but, alas, here I am.  I'm trying to be content with my current circumstances.  Ugh.)

I have a couple initial thoughts about friendship -- before any research or definitions or contemplation.  The best of friends often happen upon each other in an unplanned and wonderful way.  Friendship is a gift.  Ideally, it should bring you joy -- be natural -- "easy."  This doesn't mean that we don't have to attend to our friendships ... I just mean that it shouldn't be arduous.  I also believe that some friendships are for a season, of which I have written before.  I think that friendships round-out our emotional lives.  We can't only be in relationship with our families -- so friends fill-in the gaps -- become in-laws -- round-out our communities, including work and school and recreation.  It is also important to remember that there are so many different types of friends.  Some friends are more like aquaintances.  Most often, I think, friendships are formed due to mutual interests or similar personalities.  Some friends are inserted into your life -- like fellow Saints in your church -- or neighbors.  Some are schoolmates from childhood that have hung-in there with you.  Some are sister'y (or brother'y) friends from young adulthood and entries into parenthood.  Some are from the workplace or friends of friends.  Some friends become spouses or lovers and, yes, our family members can also be friends.  They all serve a different kind of purpose and fill a different kind of need.  Friendship is a myriad of all sorts of relationships in our lives and it is too complex to simmer-down to a simple expression or definition.  This is turning out to be a more complicated blog than I had anticipated. 

Defining friendship or friend is interesting -- broad and rich. 

friend·ship (noun)  1. the state of being a friend; association as friends; 2. a friendly relation or intimacy; 3. friendly feeling or disposition.

Clearly, one needs to understand what a friend is to glean anything from this!  However, additional reference is helpful in the form of a (synonym)  1. harmony, accord, understanding, rapport.  So ...

friend //(noun)  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; 2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter; 3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile; 4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.; 5. ( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker; 6. a person associated with another as a contact on a social-networking web site.  (verb) 7. to befriend.; 8. to add (a person) to one's list of contacts on a social-networking Web site.  (synonym)  1. comrade, chum, crony, confidant; 2. backer, advocate. 3. ally, associate, confrere, compatriot.  (antonym)   enemy, foe.

I'm a little addicted to the music of Andrew Bird.  I can't explain his music -- or his lyrics -- in a few words.  Suffice it to say that his music is entirely unique and his lyrics are strange.  Not unlike Shakespeare, he makes up words as necessary --  to sound pleasant, rhyme or just sort of mean something more in a less definable way -- in any given song.  Trying to figure those lyrics out -- or trying to make sense of them -- is often an exercise in futility.  However, one of his songs, Tables and Chairs, has some honest words about friendship: 

If we can call them friends we can call them on red telephones
and they won't pretend that they're too busy or they're not alone
if we can call them friends we can call
holler at 'em down these hallowed halls
just don't let the human factor fail to be a factor at all

Do you have a friend or friends that you know will always answer the phone when you call?  To whom you aren't a nuisance or an interruption?  I hope so.  I bet you have a few friends that you aren't so sure about, too.  For whom do you answer that phone?  Friendship is varied, but we all need at least one red telephone friend!  (David was my red telephone friend and I was his.  He was the person who put me above everyone else with his affection, regard, support -- love.  Now I am nobody's most important person.  Although several lovelies have told me that I'm right up there, I know that there is no guarantee that the red phone will be answered when I call.)  This human factor is sort of a continuation of my thoughts on love, but not so readily apparent. 

A quick search on "human factor" yielded some strange stuff!  I happened upon a "definition" from the "urban dictionary" that was new to me:  human factors engineering -- the process and effects of intentionally playing on a person's attributes to achieve a goal, either directly or indirectly.  Huh??  I'm a little stunned that the word "engineering" is a part of this.  One of my other first searches yielded:  human factors -- The study of human interaction with technology/machines.  I further investigated that avenue and found a basic explanation:  Human Factors is a discipline of study that deals with human-machine interface. Human Factors deals with the psychological, social, physical, biological and safety characteristics of a user and the system the user is in.  It is sometimes used synonymously with ergonomics.  Yawn.  This doesn't apply to a discussion on friendship.  And it is nowhere near what I thought it meant, but it is definitely possible that Andrew Bird had just that in mind.  He's that strange -- and cerebral ... but I don't really think so.

I thought I'd look again ... and stumbled upon an obscure website called "International Institute for Human Factor Development."  Their definition is a possible basis for that whole song.

Defining the Human Factor - The Human factor is the spectrum of personality characteristics and the other dimensions of human performance that enable social, economic and political institutions to function and remain functional over time. Such dimensions sustain the workings and application of the rule of law, political harmony, disciplined labor force, just legal systems, respect for human dignity and the sanctity of life, and social welfare, and so on. As is often the case, no social, economic or political institutions can function effectively without being upheld by a network of committed persons who stand firmly by them. Such persons must strongly believe in and continually affirm the ideals of society.

I think that FRIENDSHIP is what continually affirms the ideals of society!  Think about it.  To be in association with someone/anyone who may be one of the following:  someone to whom a person is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard – or one who gives assistance – a supporter.  Someone who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile (not a foe!) -- living in harmony with good rapport, respect and well-being.  Maybe a member of the same nation, party or society.  A comrade, confidant, advocate, ally, associate, confrere, compatriot.  WOW.  I wonder how more peacefully we might co-exist if we could establish these kinds of relationships with everyone! 

But, starting more locally – more intimately, how about just our personal circles.  These definitions don’t mention love, but if we toss that in -- brotherly love, unconditional love and even romantic love -- a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection — the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.  As well as, compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans -- and patience, kindness, lack of envy, boasting or pride – honoring others – not greedy or easily angered or holding grudges (FORGIVENESS), delighting in truth rather than evil – and protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering.  That’s the kind of friendship that is a big deal – is important – can make a difference.  It is intentional.  How do you accomplish it?

LOVE IN ACTION. 

I think the ideal friendship is one which includes a personal presence -- being in relationship with another in close, physical proximity:  Getting together.  It is difficult to show affection without being able to touch.  It is challenging to show true understanding without being able to see each others' expressions.  It's affirming to be able to see, touch and smell that this person with whom you have a certain rapport is happy and well.  And this takes a certain level of disciple -- the attending to a friendship -- the getting together.  It's like working out.  You have to value it and you have to MAKE TIME in your life to do it.  If you have a lot of friends, it can mean a little juggling, but friendship is a big deal.  Our lives are less vibrant -- less meaningful -- without it.

You certainly can maintain friendships over long distances.  Email, text messaging, facebook, snapchats and red telephones are really great tools in helping us to take care of those friendships.  Sometimes, they can be more rewarding than our day to day friendships because they require more intentionality -- action fed by emotional energy (love).  Some of my long distance friendships are my most precious and enduring ones.  Go figure.  (You have to really want or need to stay friends to make this happen.)

My return from exile would not be possible without my beloved friends.  I want to take this opportunity to thank each of you who has placed my soul, my heart, my mind, my gifts -- my entire being -- on your "short list" -- through your love in action -- with your hand on the red phone.  You know who you are.

What the heck is love, anyway?

There are so many nuances of love, aren't there?  It can get a little maddening trying to figure out which kind of love you should apply to any given situation.  And yet, still, I choose to simplify it.  All that I do, I hope I do, in love.  What does that even mean?

If you live a religious kind of life, you probably know there are three "main" kinds of love:  philos (brotherly), eros (romantic) and agape (unconditional).  I think, for the most part, that the agape love serves as an umbrella for "love in action."  The kind of love that you can show to a family member, a friend, a lover ... a stranger and, yes, an enemy.  But it is most definitely subjective!  If someone acts in a way that they believe to be loving, the receiver can still perceive it as otherwise.  This is where the "agape" attribute really has to kick-in.  The receiver has to understand the heart of the lov-er.  Can you go through life explaining that everything you do and everything you say is from a point of agape love?  Maybe, but how exhausting!

I work in a church and spend a good bit of my life and time within and among my faith community -- my church family.  Agape love "should" be an assumption within the life of the church, right?  Right.  But who decides what is loving and what is not? 

We choose our friends based on mutual value systems and interests, mutual life situations, proximity of our homes, and, yes, how much fun we have together!  But ultimately we chose our friends based on whether or not we believe that they are kind and loving, as well as whether or not we can extend that kindness and love to them, don't you think? Whether or not we can trust them with our hearts and if we are going to be trustworthy with theirs?  If that is the case, then why do we question each others' motives sometimes?  Did we misunderstand their true spirit?  Did they overestimate our capacity to love?  Should we maintain these friendships?  Does love have anything to do with it at all?

I have a lot of friends.  Some I see frequently -- for whatever reason, I am able to spend time with them every week -- or sometimes even every couple of days.  Some friends I see less frequently -- every several weeks and some even every several months.  Why do we remain friends?  LOVE.  These are saints who have shown me their unmistakable loving spirits, as diverse as they may be, and I offer mine to them.  I never question that love is the foundation for all they say and do, at least as it pertains to me and our relationship.  I've had other friends for which I was not assured of the same and they were friends "for a season," but not for the long-run.  I bet you have similar relationships.

I love the writings of John Ortberg, an author, speaker and senior pastor at a Presbyterian Church in California.  Recently one of his facebook posts popped into my newsfeed.  It read:  "Say hard things TO people, but don't say bad things ABOUT people.  This would revolutionize politics, church and the blogosphere."  He's right!  It reminded me of something I used to say to my kids as they headed out to school -- out into the world.  I told them (probably ad nauseam) that they certainly did not have to spend time with kids who were unkind to them, but that they could not be unkind.  Ortberg takes this a step further -- an adult step -- incorporating a Biblical, yet very common-sensical directive to "hold your brother accountable" (admittedly subjective).  That is, to say hard things to people.  I would add:  IN LOVE.  But, again, who decides what is loving?

Have you ever felt like you have endured a refining fire?  It's an Old Testament kind of idea -- a concept of being purified.  Ideally, if we undergo such a refining, then wouldn't our intentions be pure?  of love?  John Piper, a Calvinist Baptist theologian (yeh, I thought that was somewhat oxymoronic myself ... but that's okay!) wrote of God's refining fire: 

A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire.

It does say FIRE. And therefore purity and holiness will always be a dreadful thing. There will always be a proper "fear and trembling" in the process of becoming pure. We learn it from the time we are little children: never play with fire! And it's a good lesson! Therefore, Christianity is never a play thing. And the passion for purity is never flippant. He is like fire and fire is serious. You don't fool around with it.

But it does say, he is like a REFINER'S fire. And therefore this is not merely a word of warning, but a tremendous word of hope. The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction.

Yes, it's a little harsh -- pretty evangelical, even for me, but I love the part about hope:  Hope -- if we've been refined, even a little bit -- that our intentions have a purity -- a holiness -- about them.  That our LOVE is cradled by the same purity and holiness.  Yay!

But what does Jesus say about love?  Well, a whole lot, of course.  First of all, Jesus personified love -- he was "love incarnate."  We can't really do that because we aren't God.  Okay ... So the big commandment in John 13:34 is a little vague!  Love one another as I have loved you.  (Leave everything behind and follow me, even though you might starve, be naked, wear out your sandals, be run out of town and persecuted.  Yikes.)  In chapter 15 He goes on to say that as the Father loved Him, so He has loved us!!  Wow -- if you use the transitive property or syllogism, that's big.  We are to love each other like God loves.  That even further complicates it, does it not?  How big is God's love?  Bigger than the boogie man, according to Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber.  Still, how is love defined for we Christians? 

Thankfully, we have the two great commandments.  When the Pharisees tried to gang up on Jesus and trick him, asking him what the greatest commandment in "the Law" was, Jesus replied: “ 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40

What does it mean to love your neighbor "as yourself"?  I've heard two variances.  One is simply to love your neighbor in the same way you love yourself.  Ugh.  How do you love yourself?  Do you help yourself to a new car every two years?  Go golfing every week?  Dine-out frequently?  How do you translate that self-love to neighbor love?  Are you then called to be as generous or as indulgent with your neighbor as you are with yourself?  Maybe ... or what if it means that we are supposed to love our neighbor(s) at the same time as we love ourselves?  That means something a little different.  It means that it is okay to love ourselves! but we also need to love others.  I like this one.  It is deeper -- more profound.  You may disagree.

Are we painfully honest with ourselves when we stray from the path that God would have us follow (a gentler explanation of sin that I really like)?  Do we stop and examine our behavior and check our compass and redirect?  Can and should we do that for our neighbor(s)?  Is that loving?  Or is that judging?  How can we figure that out?

I like another concept shared by Ortberg, teaching about how we can tell if God is speaking to us or if it's some other voice.  He suggests that we ask ourselves if the "voice" is leading us in a direction toward life ... or in a direction of death.  I think that this is a good litmus test -- even with difficult stuff.  "Say hard things TO people, but don't say bad things ABOUT people."  But what if you're the one to whom someone is saying those hard things?  How can you "hear" them IN LOVE? 

Ortberg wrote of that, too, in his book, God Is Closer Than You Think.  Because he is not only a pastor in a very large church, but also a very well-read author, he is quite vulnerable to criticism.  He  wrote about a time when he was admonished by a stranger following a speaking engagement.  The admonisher pointed out a flaw to the pastor -- nothing "scandalous," but something that Ortberg found to be very embarrassing.  It was hurtful -- cutting -- because it was humiliating to him in that it pointed out "old junk" that he had wrestled with for years -- his Achilles heel.  He began to ponder about how many others also saw this flaw in him and he began to "spiral down into discouragement, paralysis, and self-pity."  It was like death to him.  He stopped the spiral by praying -- asking God to help him guide his thoughts.  (If only we could always remember to do that!)  What happened next is the point.  He began to think that it was exactly what he needed to hear if he wasn't going to get stuck -- that the words could help him grow -- that they identified a concrete piece of behavior that could be changed.  He then went on to consider whether he should want people to think he was better than he was! and, finally, that God loved him anyway and that's what grace is for.  Refined by "fire"?  Was the admonisher speaking out of love?  Let's hope so ... but regardless, Ortberg decided to take it that way.  <sigh>  I want to be like that.  I have an Achilles heel or two that I wrestle with over and over again.  Do you?  Do you want to be loved anyway -- to be given the benefit of the doubt by those who love you -- and give that benefit to those whom you love?  I bet you do.

So what is love?  A simple definition, which I always appreciate, states simply that love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal").  It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.  It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".  As well, it may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.

So, if your words and actions are undergirded by affection, attachment, kindness, compassion, unselfishness, loyalty, benevolence, concern -- you're doing pretty well in the love department.

Still, I always refer to the teachings -- the preachings -- of an unexpectedly humble man named Paul (formerly Saul of Tarsus -- persecutor of Christians before his personal Road to Damascus) -- as written with great encouragement to first century Corinthians: 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  (I Corinthians 13:4-8a)

And, to reiterate... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  (I Corinthians 13:13) 

No kidding.