What the heck is love, anyway?

There are so many nuances of love, aren't there?  It can get a little maddening trying to figure out which kind of love you should apply to any given situation.  And yet, still, I choose to simplify it.  All that I do, I hope I do, in love.  What does that even mean?

If you live a religious kind of life, you probably know there are three "main" kinds of love:  philos (brotherly), eros (romantic) and agape (unconditional).  I think, for the most part, that the agape love serves as an umbrella for "love in action."  The kind of love that you can show to a family member, a friend, a lover ... a stranger and, yes, an enemy.  But it is most definitely subjective!  If someone acts in a way that they believe to be loving, the receiver can still perceive it as otherwise.  This is where the "agape" attribute really has to kick-in.  The receiver has to understand the heart of the lov-er.  Can you go through life explaining that everything you do and everything you say is from a point of agape love?  Maybe, but how exhausting!

I work in a church and spend a good bit of my life and time within and among my faith community -- my church family.  Agape love "should" be an assumption within the life of the church, right?  Right.  But who decides what is loving and what is not? 

We choose our friends based on mutual value systems and interests, mutual life situations, proximity of our homes, and, yes, how much fun we have together!  But ultimately we chose our friends based on whether or not we believe that they are kind and loving, as well as whether or not we can extend that kindness and love to them, don't you think? Whether or not we can trust them with our hearts and if we are going to be trustworthy with theirs?  If that is the case, then why do we question each others' motives sometimes?  Did we misunderstand their true spirit?  Did they overestimate our capacity to love?  Should we maintain these friendships?  Does love have anything to do with it at all?

I have a lot of friends.  Some I see frequently -- for whatever reason, I am able to spend time with them every week -- or sometimes even every couple of days.  Some friends I see less frequently -- every several weeks and some even every several months.  Why do we remain friends?  LOVE.  These are saints who have shown me their unmistakable loving spirits, as diverse as they may be, and I offer mine to them.  I never question that love is the foundation for all they say and do, at least as it pertains to me and our relationship.  I've had other friends for which I was not assured of the same and they were friends "for a season," but not for the long-run.  I bet you have similar relationships.

I love the writings of John Ortberg, an author, speaker and senior pastor at a Presbyterian Church in California.  Recently one of his facebook posts popped into my newsfeed.  It read:  "Say hard things TO people, but don't say bad things ABOUT people.  This would revolutionize politics, church and the blogosphere."  He's right!  It reminded me of something I used to say to my kids as they headed out to school -- out into the world.  I told them (probably ad nauseam) that they certainly did not have to spend time with kids who were unkind to them, but that they could not be unkind.  Ortberg takes this a step further -- an adult step -- incorporating a Biblical, yet very common-sensical directive to "hold your brother accountable" (admittedly subjective).  That is, to say hard things to people.  I would add:  IN LOVE.  But, again, who decides what is loving?

Have you ever felt like you have endured a refining fire?  It's an Old Testament kind of idea -- a concept of being purified.  Ideally, if we undergo such a refining, then wouldn't our intentions be pure?  of love?  John Piper, a Calvinist Baptist theologian (yeh, I thought that was somewhat oxymoronic myself ... but that's okay!) wrote of God's refining fire: 

A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. He is like a refiner's fire.

It does say FIRE. And therefore purity and holiness will always be a dreadful thing. There will always be a proper "fear and trembling" in the process of becoming pure. We learn it from the time we are little children: never play with fire! And it's a good lesson! Therefore, Christianity is never a play thing. And the passion for purity is never flippant. He is like fire and fire is serious. You don't fool around with it.

But it does say, he is like a REFINER'S fire. And therefore this is not merely a word of warning, but a tremendous word of hope. The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction.

Yes, it's a little harsh -- pretty evangelical, even for me, but I love the part about hope:  Hope -- if we've been refined, even a little bit -- that our intentions have a purity -- a holiness -- about them.  That our LOVE is cradled by the same purity and holiness.  Yay!

But what does Jesus say about love?  Well, a whole lot, of course.  First of all, Jesus personified love -- he was "love incarnate."  We can't really do that because we aren't God.  Okay ... So the big commandment in John 13:34 is a little vague!  Love one another as I have loved you.  (Leave everything behind and follow me, even though you might starve, be naked, wear out your sandals, be run out of town and persecuted.  Yikes.)  In chapter 15 He goes on to say that as the Father loved Him, so He has loved us!!  Wow -- if you use the transitive property or syllogism, that's big.  We are to love each other like God loves.  That even further complicates it, does it not?  How big is God's love?  Bigger than the boogie man, according to Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber.  Still, how is love defined for we Christians? 

Thankfully, we have the two great commandments.  When the Pharisees tried to gang up on Jesus and trick him, asking him what the greatest commandment in "the Law" was, Jesus replied: “ 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40

What does it mean to love your neighbor "as yourself"?  I've heard two variances.  One is simply to love your neighbor in the same way you love yourself.  Ugh.  How do you love yourself?  Do you help yourself to a new car every two years?  Go golfing every week?  Dine-out frequently?  How do you translate that self-love to neighbor love?  Are you then called to be as generous or as indulgent with your neighbor as you are with yourself?  Maybe ... or what if it means that we are supposed to love our neighbor(s) at the same time as we love ourselves?  That means something a little different.  It means that it is okay to love ourselves! but we also need to love others.  I like this one.  It is deeper -- more profound.  You may disagree.

Are we painfully honest with ourselves when we stray from the path that God would have us follow (a gentler explanation of sin that I really like)?  Do we stop and examine our behavior and check our compass and redirect?  Can and should we do that for our neighbor(s)?  Is that loving?  Or is that judging?  How can we figure that out?

I like another concept shared by Ortberg, teaching about how we can tell if God is speaking to us or if it's some other voice.  He suggests that we ask ourselves if the "voice" is leading us in a direction toward life ... or in a direction of death.  I think that this is a good litmus test -- even with difficult stuff.  "Say hard things TO people, but don't say bad things ABOUT people."  But what if you're the one to whom someone is saying those hard things?  How can you "hear" them IN LOVE? 

Ortberg wrote of that, too, in his book, God Is Closer Than You Think.  Because he is not only a pastor in a very large church, but also a very well-read author, he is quite vulnerable to criticism.  He  wrote about a time when he was admonished by a stranger following a speaking engagement.  The admonisher pointed out a flaw to the pastor -- nothing "scandalous," but something that Ortberg found to be very embarrassing.  It was hurtful -- cutting -- because it was humiliating to him in that it pointed out "old junk" that he had wrestled with for years -- his Achilles heel.  He began to ponder about how many others also saw this flaw in him and he began to "spiral down into discouragement, paralysis, and self-pity."  It was like death to him.  He stopped the spiral by praying -- asking God to help him guide his thoughts.  (If only we could always remember to do that!)  What happened next is the point.  He began to think that it was exactly what he needed to hear if he wasn't going to get stuck -- that the words could help him grow -- that they identified a concrete piece of behavior that could be changed.  He then went on to consider whether he should want people to think he was better than he was! and, finally, that God loved him anyway and that's what grace is for.  Refined by "fire"?  Was the admonisher speaking out of love?  Let's hope so ... but regardless, Ortberg decided to take it that way.  <sigh>  I want to be like that.  I have an Achilles heel or two that I wrestle with over and over again.  Do you?  Do you want to be loved anyway -- to be given the benefit of the doubt by those who love you -- and give that benefit to those whom you love?  I bet you do.

So what is love?  A simple definition, which I always appreciate, states simply that love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal").  It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.  It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".  As well, it may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.

So, if your words and actions are undergirded by affection, attachment, kindness, compassion, unselfishness, loyalty, benevolence, concern -- you're doing pretty well in the love department.

Still, I always refer to the teachings -- the preachings -- of an unexpectedly humble man named Paul (formerly Saul of Tarsus -- persecutor of Christians before his personal Road to Damascus) -- as written with great encouragement to first century Corinthians: 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  (I Corinthians 13:4-8a)

And, to reiterate... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  (I Corinthians 13:13) 

No kidding.